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In this page we offer contributions that we think are funny, cheeky and cool.. These works are not our own, and have travelled the world many times, we reckon they deserve a place to rest awhile. Enjoy someone else's work! If you wish a weekly dose of comedy you can subscirbe to our VIP Comedy list - it's FREE!!! (NB must have broadband as we sometimes send short films) Or - subscribe to our Mailing list for updates and film news.
Acceptable Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip, Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet water (with a serious face) whenever you go out to eat 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." IT'S CALLED THERAPY Happy Insanity
The Indian-Pacific A man and a woman on the Indian Pacific. They have never met before, are both married to other people, and find themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on the train . Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, " I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own bloody blanket!" After a brief moment of silence ... he farted.
Hot Air A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 meters above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence for help. Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell George he's holding the message upside down."
NEW ELEMENT FOUND The recent cyclones and petrol issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Female Prayer Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me till the end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. Male Prayer: I pray for a deaf-mute sexmaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh..t. Amen.
Pull the Plug While watching the cricket the other night, my wife and I were I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch. While watching the cricket the other night, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch.
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
CHINESE SICK LEAVE -- "I NOT COME WORK TODAY!
BIST JOKE IN A LONG TIME? Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!" Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...Brutain?..." PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!" Hilth Munister: "What about Austrayia?" PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck." Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!" Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one......... MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy
HEARING TEST A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could “Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 20 meters away from If not, go to 10 metres, then 5 metres, and so on until you get a That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in He says to himself, “I’m about 20 metres away. Let’s see what happens.” In a normal tone he asks, “What‘s for dinner?” No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 10meters from his Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 5 metres from his Again, no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 2 metres away. “Hon, what’s Again, there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. “Hey, what’s for dinner Hon?”
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there." "Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand! "Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
THE MORAL GUARDIAN. Margie, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the town's morals, always stuck her nose into other people's business.
WHY ‘GOD’ CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even “God's omnipotence” did not extend to his own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!” "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you? " said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said. "Did not! " "Did so! " "DID NOT! " Having had it with the two of them, god's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!! Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing.
GM'S ANSWER TO BILL GATES For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection or the way In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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